The Thing About (Not) Sleeping

I’m writing this on my phone while lying flat and still on my bed. Because my baby does not sleep anymore and he’s in his pack n play next to my bed not sleeping. But I want him to be sleeping. You can see where the problem is.

I want him to be sleeping for several reasons. One of which is the caramel apple in my refrigerator. The other is that I don’t want to repeat this whole process in an hour. I’m already going to have to repeat it at least once, probably twice tonight. Once upon a time, William was a model sleeper and now he is not.

Now Will hates sleeping.

I cannot understand this because I would give my left foot for a full night of sleep, but not Will. Oh no. He’s perfectly great on broken sleep. He’s cheerful the mornings after being awake for over an hour in the middle of the night. He is pleased as punch to start the day at 5:45.

I am tired.

I’m not really looking for advice because we’re just in a really tough spot with not having a room for him. I have feelings about sleep training in general but I cannot and will not attempt sleep training when my boobs and me are like 12 inches from his face. That’s just not cool. Not to mention that we live in an apartment with thin walls and lots of neighbors.

And so I hide in the dark. I wait for him to either fall asleep or cry. I reinsert his pacifier 839295 times and I cross my fingers that tonight will be the night. Tonight we’ll only get up once. Or tonight he’ll go quickly back to sleep after eating. Tonight I won’t have to sleep with him on the couch or kick my husband out of bed.

I mean. One of these days that’s all going to happen right? RIGHT? You can lie to me. I’m desperate.

(The third revision of this post occurred after a second nursing, a brief two minute nap and then giving up and eating the caramel apple over Will’s head. Tonight seems unlikely to be the night.)


One comment

  1. Ugghh…I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say; I’ve so been there! When this happens with our daughter, my husband and I always ask each other, “doesn’t she know how awesome sleep is?!?” Her cheerful, rarin’-to-go attitude on such little sleep just baffles us. Big hugs to you!

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