A week or two ago, my Timehop app showed me a picture of Elijah at the eye doctor. I actually doubled checked the date because I didn’t think there was anyway that could’ve been a full year ago, and yet, it was. This event was only important because of why we made and attended that appointment- it was just a few weeks after Eli started complaining about headaches. They were on and off, but really slowed him down, and we wanted to rule out vision as a cause. Vision was and is still not an issue, which is good. But, in a year, the headaches have not stopped and the cause is still not known.
Which is why Eli is having an MRI tomorrow.
While an MRI in and of itself is hardly a scary test, because he’s 4 and because there is absolutely zero chance that he could even attempt to stay still in the MRI tube, he’s being put under general anesthesia. That’s where it changes from boring and loud to slightly dangerous and a little bit terrifying.
We booked it 3 months ago and I basically put it out of my mind since then. And now it’s here. Last week I was feeling way more apprehensive than I am now, mostly, I’m just ready to have this behind us and to have some idea of what’s going on inside his head.
My concerns are varied. I’m (reasonably?) worried that he has the same brain/cranial malformation I have. When I was pregnant we did several high level ultrasounds to try to rule it out, but we knew that we couldn’t possibly know for sure. It’s not necessarily been proven to be genetic (there is a strong suggestion of this though, so it wouldn’t surprise me), so that’s somewhat in our favor. Also, his headaches don’t really seem consistent with a Chiari malformation, which is also comforting.
I’m more worried that it’s going to show damage from the injury/bleed he had when he was 10 months old. If we’re being honest, I fully expect something to show up related to this. It would be kind of amazing if it didn’t. But I’m still sort of gutted by the idea of it. I know it doesn’t change anything, I know he is who he is regardless of whether there is damage from that event. I need no reminders. But I also know that hearing or reading that his brain suffered permanent damage from that event is going to be a lot for my heart to handle.
And then there’s the unknown. A year ago I was much more worried about that than I am now. The headaches haven’t evolved, they’ve ebbed and flowed (flown?) the duration of the year, he doesn’t have any other neurological signs, so I feel like the likelihood that there’s anything nefarious is virtually zero. I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for this.
I can’t possibly convey how ready I am to be past this event. I know he’s going to be fine. I know it’s not going to be pleasant and that Elijah is going to be scared, but I also know that this is the right choice and that having more information will be worth the unpleasantries required to get that information. And hopefully that information will be super boring and the only information we will get will be ruling out anything more than an unfortunate genetic predisposition for headaches.